The Ranger Nation is a celebration of the players who have played in the Blades/Rangers "organization" over the past decade and a half.

The Regina Blades became the Regina Rangers in the 1997-1998 season.

Hits from June 22/04

Dec 27
J. R. Breaks up Tight Game

It is becoming a habit.  For the second year in a row Jon Schaffer toyed with the boys, down to the wire, then in dramatic fashion and with the prospect of overtime looming large, J. R. potted a pretty goal to give Team White a 4 - 3 lead with scant minutes left in the game.  Darrell "Money" Knaus iced the victory, scoring an empty net goal on an assist from Ronway Knaus with 8 seconds left in the spirited, hotly contested, contest.  J. R. ended last years event when he scored a breakaway overtime goal.  "You boys seem to have forgotten that I was the trigger man that made Carlson and Bernakavitch look good back in the provincial winning year of 1999" said J. R.. immodestly. 

J. R.'s heroics spoiled a great effort by Justin "Hextall" Stewart, who came into the game in the second half with his team down 3 - 1.  Hex stood on his head and shut out Team White until the last minute goal.   Hex indicated before the game that he didn't care what happened as long as he embarassed Shawn "Schooner" McNall, and it looked like he was well on his way to doing it as Schooner gave up 2 goals late in the game to forge the tie.  "Hey, I was playing over my head at that point" said Schooner.  "I gave up 2 goals on 8 shots, which is a better save  percentage than my career average.  Hex couldn't do anything but shake his head.  "That was a great goal", he said over a frosty beverage.  Schooner said "It is nice to get a win after 6 tries - I guess that puts Black all alone in last place."

Jeremy "the Kwaz" Kwazny had surrendered 3 first period goals despite a solid outing as defence seemed to be forgotten by Team Blue.   The younger TeamWhite buzzed the Blue net and Kwaz reluctantly gave up goals to Kyle McFetridge on a feed from J. R.; an unassisted effort by Curtis "Kozzy" Kozakavich; and one by Mark "Marko Solo" Soloduk, to offset the single marker by Riley "SJ" Wickenheiser.  Shea "Cabbage Patch" Van Luven and Jace "Taz" Werry scored in the second session to establish the tie.  As if he didn't do enough, Hex was called upon to stop two penalty shots in the second session.  

The Alumni Executive met before the game in an effort to resolve the embarassing "Coach Black" issue.  As you will recall, Coach Black is the only alumni member that has not been on a winning team in the 8 years the Alumni game has been held.  One suggestion was that Coach Black should be made an honorary coach on both teams so that he could break the ugly losing streak, but in light of his failure to attend this years game, that suggestion was defeated in a secret ballot.   Perhaps next year. 

The Alumni Social following the game was well attended by both parents and players.  It was great to see so many alumni out for the event.   The Captain brought Donna as a special treat for her birthday (Big spender).   Happy Birthday Donna.  The Dogg was pleased that both his sons played on the same line. "'That way, if a goalie gets tripped behind the play, there will be some doubt as it which Schaffer did it", he said.  The highlights, both during and after the game were too many to relate properly: suffice it to say it was a great time and we are looking forward to next year. 

Ranger Alumni Rosters
 Where are they now?
Fossils
 1. W'Ron'gway" Knaus: strong winger with a penchant for finding the opportune time to skate against the flow of the play, hence the nickname.  His excuse, “I am always ahead of the play.  I’m like Gretzky, I go were the puck will be (sooner or later), not where it is.”
 1988’s
 2. Dunc ("Ginge") Werner (1988) A step slower, but a lot smarter (he says).  Former publisher of the wildly popular underground sports 'zine "Hab Talk", but now the subject of rumours that he has bowed to the "logical" arguments and derision of the Giggler and the Cannon and feels an "affinity" for the Leafs and the Flyers.   Too bad.....
 1989’s
 3. Rob ("Goose")Garnsey (1989) A hard skating right winger who occupies a little more space than he used to, but is no less enthusiastic.  Doesn't howl often, but watch out when he does.  Don't let him behind your bar. 
4. Keenan ("Dream") Moroz (1989) Shifty center who has recently given up the practice of law to concentrate on being a player agent (or anything else you might want him to do for money).
5. Jeff (Boner) Lang (1989) Mystery man not often seen since the glory days of provincial and league championships in the late 1980's. 
6. Brian (Kato) Chinn (1989) Pursuing a career as a wheeler-dealer, just like he used to do on the ice. 
7. Paul "Boh" Charabin (1989) Out of control as usual, but as he tells the girls, the most fun you can have with your clothes on and not bad without them.
8. Chad (Chuda) Davison (1989)  Always known as an enforcer, and now makes a living out of it.  Recently involved in an embarassing insurance dispute to replace the two front teeth he got for Xmas a few years ago, which were damaged after a late  nite "fitting".   
 1993’s
 9. Jamie Burgess (1993): set aside a lucrative hockey career which included a national Midget AAA championship in order to pursue a more “invigorating lifestyle” as an Accountant.
 1996’s
 10. Kyle McFetridge (1996): so taken by Chief Wiggum he decided to follow in his footsteps and is now one of the City’s "finest".
11. Jim Burnett (1996):  tried to live down his monstrous hit on the “Zamboni” from Omaha, Nebraska but has since accepted his fate and now tours North America telling the story.
12. Curtis “Scotsman” Lax (1996):  lost his hockey equipment in a Sports Select betting fiasco and has only recently started playing again
 1997’s
 13. Trevor “Furry” Flory (1997):  confused football with hockey.  Thought that he had spent the 4 years in Saskatoon as the starting Nose Tackle for the Huskie hockey team.  

14. Jeremy “Silver Fox Jr” Palaniuk (1998):  spends his free time making popsicle houses and reciting Golden Oldies.  Hopes to one day follow in his father’s footsteps and coach a Flyer team that might actually have a chance to beat the Ranger’s in the Play-offs.
 1998’s
15. Lee “Many Words” Stewart (1998):  turned his true passion for speeches into a career and now tours as the Quickest Motivational Speaker in the World.
16. Shawn “Schooner” McNall (1998):  Spends his time at BP South recollecting his playing days to anyone who will listen.   His hours are most nights, all night.
 1999’s
 17. B. J. “Hot Rod” Burnett (1999):  Tours outdoor rinks challenging kids under the age of 6 to one on one showdowns.   His goal this year is to run his record in these showdowns back to .500.
18. Darren “Snake” Carlson (1999):  Secretly enrolled in law school in the hopes of one day wrestling control of the lucrative Ranger team away from Ranger Godfather Fast Freddie McBeth.  Is currently in the process of changing his name to Lionel Hutz.  Also rumored to fall asleep in bars.
19. Dieter “M.I.A.” Schwartz (1999):  Still trying to live down the fact that he will never be as good as his cousin “Hoopie”.  Dieter is hopeful that this year his mouth hasn’t written another cheque that his butt can’t cash and that he will make it to the game.
20. Gord “Ulfie” Burnett (1999):  took his nickname to heart and tours independent USA hockey leagues, awaiting the next filming of Slap Shot.
21. JR Schaffer (1999):  spend the last few years researching how they got the caramel in the Caramilk bar only to find out that the bar he has been using for research is a Twix.
22. Brian (Drev-Dog) Drever (1999): Spent the years since blowing out his knee with the Capitals building up his capacity to consume liquids to a point where he could attend an alumni game.  Makes his debut this year. 
 2000’s
 23. Jeremy (Kwaz) Kwasny (2000): only goalie in Ranger history to score (on or off the ice), Kwaz has spent the last several years proving that it is possible for the goalie to have the hardest shot on the team. 
 2001’s
 24. Justin “Hextall” Stewart (2001):  Set the Midget Penalty Record for Minutes in a season by the third game and continued on for the rest of the year, stopping only at the All-Star game where he gave a teammate “a love tap” for getting in his way, and then a few “love newgies”, before trying to get into the stands and attack a fan who was taking his picture.
25. Darrel “Money” Knaus (2001):  Sped into Ranger folklore with great speed and hands only to be lured away the following season with a lucrative deal by Balgonie, later found out to be a baloney sandwich and some rink fries.
26. Derek "Two Lines" MacDonald - Hard working forward known for his remarkable ability to take a breakaway pass while skating backwards, thereby putting himself offside.  Like Wrongway Knauss, he says he was ahead of his time.  "If they wouldn't have had a red line in those days I would have been the leading scorer on the team", he said, forgetting his lack of scoring prowess.   Holds Ranger record for most broken bones in a season (3). 

27.  Jason "Wiggles" Wigmore (2002):   Wigs has spent the last few years trying trying to land it big in Hollywood by trying to get in Austin Powers as Mr. Wigglesworth.  Only trouble is, Wigs didn't realize that a) the name is Mr Bigglesworth and B) the job is to be a shaved cat.   Wigs stated "I can handle the cat part, but I need my beautiful locks, so it is a no-go."  Has decided that a career carrying stinky hockey gear is more up his alley and will be at the game this year to sign autographs for a nominal fee (one cheezie). 
2002’s
28. Owen (Shooter) Meadows (2002):  Left to live the high life down-under in Australia.   Was hoping to become the next Crocodile Hunter until he became disillusioned by the "baby dangling" incident, has since moved home and rededicated himself to his true love, crocheting.
 29. Jeff "the Original Marbles" Marback (2002):  has spent the last few years trying to regain the many marbles he lost during his tenure with the Blue Crew.  Was briefly held in custody for trying to steal sacks of marbles from elementary school kids, but was granted parole for the big game by Sheriff Bob Westaff.
30. Brett (Nabber) McNabb (2002):  Nabber spent the while year yapping and yapping and rumor has it he hasn’t quit since he left the Blue Crew.  Proved that you can still talk even with your mouth full.  Currently is trying to organize a Gladiator event for kids, when asked why, he said “Hey they have to learn sometime, otherwise they will be like Shea.”
31. Curtis (Crazy Legs) Kozakavitch (2002):   took full advantage of his crazy legs and has spent the last few years on the Senegal Dance Tour, under the alias "Crazy Legs Kozzy".  Has agreed to the Alumni cameo to boost his otherwise failing career.
32. Andy Baron (2002):  spends his winters keeping the highway from Regina to Weyburn clean with a rink shovel and licking metal poles (he is better at shoveling).
33. Matty (Goo) McGeough (2002):  turned down a lucrative contract offer to write for the Ranger Wire to pursue his true passion, looking at pictures, ..errr articles in Playboy or is it Cosmo and hoping one day to see “The View from the Goo” published again.
34. Chris “Pecker” Pekrul (2002):  briefly tried his luck as a Squeegee Kid, only to find that he developed “prune hands”, so he abandoned his trade and now makes his living singing between  periods at the Jr. B Capital games.
 2003’s
 35. Shea “Cabbage Patch” Van Luvan (2003):  spent the last few years trying to finally get his hat to fit his head, despite the fact that he received the hat as a gift when he was three.  Couldn’t quite hack it as a Gopher for Coach McCruelly, saying “These hands are for lovin’, they weren’t meant for hard work!”
36. Adam "10’s" Schaffer (2003):  Spend so much time getting to know timekeepers and ref’s during his tenure in HR, Adam is now their official spokesperson.  He tells those less fortunate about the various jobs of a timekeeper and the best way to make ref’s mad.  He is also writing a book entitled “The Best 10 Penalty Boxes I Have Ever Vacationed In, An Autobiography”.
 2004’s
 37. Jace (Taz) Werry(2004):  has spend the last while studying the speech pattern of the real Taz.  Is preparing to unleash it at the Alumni game.
38. Brett (Trudy) Trudelle (2004):  spent the last two years, completing his season of NHL 2003 on PS2, which took the place of his first year in Midget in which he was sentenced to a year in prison for a crime he didn’t commit.  Good news for Trudy, he finished the NHL 2003 season with 50 goals; bad news it’s only a video game and not real life. Shhh, don’t tell him.
39. Riley “Wick” Wickenheiser (2004):  spends his time touring SJHL rinks in Sask. preaching the Word of the Rangers and making many conversions.  Hopes one day to be knighted and gain the lofty stature that his sister Stretch currently occupies in Ranger folklore.
40. Tanner (T-Mac) McDonald (2004):  despite modeling Duct Tape on his chin for the better part of last year, Tanner’s efforts at securing a modeling job for Duct Tape have been unsuccessful.  Instead he is now Head to the Assistant to the Helper of the Secretary of the Regina Chapter of Duct Tape Recycling, reportedly receiving a salary in excess of one shinny quarter per week.
41. Mark “Han Solo” Soloduk (2004):  secretly stealing fries from his place of employment to one day sell them and buy the restaurant.  No word on how long this will take but Ranger Brass is confident insanity will strike first.
Coaches
Coach KoKo (1998):  Double zero (“Those aren’t zeros, those are Ooo Ooo’s”), traded in his equipment for a job as part owner of the Rangers and part time monkey.  Is preparing for the big game by getting a pair of custom made jeans to wear over his equipment on the ice.
Coach McCruelly (1998):  tried to live down the fame of his infamous tattoo, but has since come to terms with it.  Makes his career in the lucrative business of minor hockey coaching and collecting empty pop bottles downtown.  Rumored to sleep in bars.
Ranger Alumni Teams Filling Up
Contact Fred at Fred.mcbeth@balfourmoss.com or 347-8305(w) or 586-6826 (h) to confirm. 

Sherwood Twins, Dec 26th at 3:30.  First 40 players to confirm.  Additional places will be filled by members of the current team.

Current total 41, including 4 goaltenders.  Sorry, we are full.  Please come out for a drink, watch the game and have a chance to socialize with old teammates and friends.   

 

 YOUNG GUNS BEAT OLD TIMERS IN OVERTIME
DEC 26TH

All in all, it was a very entertaining game and it was great to not only see members of the alumni again, but a large number of parents who came out to see old friends and watch the boys play a little shinny. Good work, guys and we will see you again next year.

Ode to a Coach & Alumni Game (Dec 20)

Author Unknown

David Masters

Shawn McNall

Justin Stewart

As well, the formidable line of Shea Van Luven, Adam and Jon Schaffer will play for the Young Guns this year (the current Ranger team) and Coach Rodge and Coach Duck will play defence.

Editors Note:  The following piece of prose was delivered to the offices of the Wire without an indication of the name of the author, although it has been suggested the "Pearl" may have had something to do with it.

PRESS RELEASE (Dec 16th)

Coach McBeth & Company:
    As Toby Keith would say....."We'll raise up our glasses against evil forces, Whiskey for my Men and Beer for your Horses."
    With that simple message we announce today the return of the Schaffer Boys, Jonathan and Adam, to the Regina Ranger's alumni game. Having been granted a leave of absence from the Texas Rangers organization, well --- actually, the jail house part of the Texas Rangers organization, the gruesome twosome will be foiling up for this important tilt.
    The Young Guns (although one is beginning to tarnish just a little) are both hell bent to add a little colour into the alumni game. "There will likely be blood everywhere", Adam shouted over the din of the reporters present, "And I think I'll start with Van Luven even though he's likely on my team!" You know Bozie has been bringing in the out takes from late night sports of the numerous plays he nearly made but never did, and I think he's just acting as usual."
    "How can a self respecting hockey player skate by the camera and show those pearly whites with an I Luv U Mom sign on his helmet", added Jonathan as the dynamic duo continued to slag #12.
    "I'm thinkin too that McNabb can kiss my stick this time around, Adam added, after all he's been kissing nothing but dead wood all year back on the blue line so maybe I'll just help him out a little."
    "Oh ya, and by the way Nabber and Pekrul both own me 20 bucks for pulling their beer at the Capital's party at the Dogg's house", deadpanned Jonathan. "At least Brett came through with women for the night so
Pecker- 'rule or what ever it is they call him on Sportsline better suck it up for the game."
    Both brothers agreed that former Coach Sutherland can keep his speech a little shorter than usual. Or better yet he could maybe teach Coach Black a few things about brevity so we can hit the ice before the second period like his team normally does lately.
    "And oh ya, Klassen we got some prune juice this year to help you get the lead out. If you can't catch Duck this year we're trading you to the geriatrics. As for you McGeough, if you step back into this town again you better bring your lunch bucket! And leave those girly red pants in Notre Dame!"
    "Last, but not least, please don't let Marbles Marbach sing the national anthem again this year. Last years rendition of "Rubber Ducky" was simply overwhelming. What really took it over the top though was when the new Marbles, Reid McCauley, actually started to mouth the words at the same time. Let's just be thankful that he didn't show us his tattoo."
    By this time most of the reporters have taken off because the free food and booze has been long gone. We have in any event taken the liberty of piecing together some of their notes here and forwarded it to the Ranger Wire.
Editor's Note:
This obviously phony press release is consistent with the approach of these near relatives of the Hanson Brothers, the Shaffers, who have never made it to the Alumni Game.  The Wire will be contacting the persons slandered in this "Press Release" and will be providing their comments in it's next report.